in the orange glow

There was a moment this weekend. I was a back seat passenger in a car driving down the open road. My sunglasses on, head resting against the back of the seat. We were heading towards the low evening sun and everything was cast in a bright orange glow. There was conversation punctuated by laughter, there were arms resting casually on doorframes, music on the radio, trees passing by out the window, the sound of tires on tarseal. With everything lit up orange, the world instantly felt serene and perfect.

Right then, life was exactly what it was meant to be. I could have lived in that moment forever.

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So, I came back to New Zealand when being in Canada stopped making sense.

It was a hard decision, and it was a hard transition.

It is a hard transition.

But after being back for two weeks now - though I am homeless and carless and jobless - I am absolutely certain that this is the place for me right now.

It helps, being surrounded by a plethora of amazing people. I've ended up with plans every single night since being back, which is welcome relief after five months of near silence.

At first, yeah, I felt like a failure. Big time. I felt weak for not having the courage to stick it out, for not being able to make it work. I thought I could have tried harder, I could have put in more effort, I could have endured it for longer.

But now I can see I made the right decision at every juncture. Moving there - I had to see about possibilities; deciding to stay for that one extra month - I needed time to acclimatise to either outcome; and finally deciding to come home, leaving behind the life I'd been slowly moving towards for the last three years.

I joke about my Working Holiday of Fail, but actually, I'm coming to terms. On paper my life looks laughable right now, but I feel alive again. I am full of warmth. I am mostly happy and healthy; my mind is no longer the dark and scary place it frequently was over in Canada.

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Now I just have to figure out how I want the rest of my days to look.

Maybe I'll start by baking another loaf of beer bread.