Tuesday, November 17, 2009
in the orange glow
There was a moment this weekend. I was a back seat passenger in a car driving down the open road. My sunglasses on, head resting against the back of the seat. We were heading towards the low evening sun and everything was cast in a bright orange glow. There was conversation punctuated by laughter, there were arms resting casually on doorframes, music on the radio, trees passing by out the window, the sound of tires on tarseal. With everything lit up orange, the world instantly felt serene and perfect.
Right then, life was exactly what it was meant to be. I could have lived in that moment forever.
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So, I came back to New Zealand when being in Canada stopped making sense.
It was a hard decision, and it was a hard transition.
It is a hard transition.
But after being back for two weeks now - though I am homeless and carless and jobless - I am absolutely certain that this is the place for me right now.
It helps, being surrounded by a plethora of amazing people. I've ended up with plans every single night since being back, which is welcome relief after five months of near silence.
At first, yeah, I felt like a failure. Big time. I felt weak for not having the courage to stick it out, for not being able to make it work. I thought I could have tried harder, I could have put in more effort, I could have endured it for longer.
But now I can see I made the right decision at every juncture. Moving there - I had to see about possibilities; deciding to stay for that one extra month - I needed time to acclimatise to either outcome; and finally deciding to come home, leaving behind the life I'd been slowly moving towards for the last three years.
I joke about my Working Holiday of Fail, but actually, I'm coming to terms. On paper my life looks laughable right now, but I feel alive again. I am full of warmth. I am mostly happy and healthy; my mind is no longer the dark and scary place it frequently was over in Canada.
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Now I just have to figure out how I want the rest of my days to look.
Maybe I'll start by baking another loaf of beer bread.
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Glad to hear you are home safe. You deserve it Helen. You took a HUGE leap of faith by leaving everything you knew to live in the crazy place called Canada. I don't think you realize how brave and awesome you really are. It's not everyday someone leaves their comfort and travels alone to another country not really knowing what they are getting into. You are brave and very courageous! I don't think I could ever do what you did and I know others would say the same thing. Don't be disappointed in yourself, you braved the unknown, and that's exactly what it was. Most people do everything in there power to ignore adventure and risk, but you didn't!!
ReplyDeleteIt was so fun to hang with you when we did, and I hope that our futures cross paths again. :)
I'm glad you are home and feel and sense of peace again.
God is good, continue to put your trust in Him and he will make your paths strait. He's given you a heart for a reason, and your heart has called you home {for the time being} ;P
:)
-Melanie
My friend, I am overwhelmingly proud of you. I wanted to give you some space to adjust, but when you are ready, lets hang. I'll even let you sit in the lazy-boy.
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